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all ways are good ways to consume this important podcast
S1E0: Welcome to a Very Important Podcast
Hello, I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake. I’ve studied the secrets of the mind for over 25 years, and my soul has studied them for thousands of years. On this podcast, I’ll bring you meditations, thought exercises, and important insights to help you tap into the true power of your mind. The government, Big Business, and even your friends and loved ones don’t want you to know these secrets, because they are afraid you’ll be able to read their thoughts, persuade them to follow your orders, and shrink yourself to the size of a grain of rice so that you can sneak inside their houses and steal their things. Of course, all of these fears are completely justified. But sometimes we have to do things that scare us and alienate those we care about because, as you’ll see, it is very, very important that you listen to this podcast. 
Before beginning these episodes, make sure you find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. If you’re interrupted in the middle of an exercise, you may never think right again. 
You can find us online at, or send me an email at Now, come along with me as we make your thoughts not just better, but perfect. I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake and this is Perfect Thought.
S1E1: Mind Power
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought. 
Today I’m going to introduce you to an exercise designed to increase your mind power. Think about a time when you exerted power. This could be when set a personal athletic record, or intimidated a child, or killed an animal for no reason. Picture yourself in that moment, golf club poised over the raccoon’s terrified eyes, its primitive consciousness trapped in a body rendered powerless by the raccoon poison. In your mind, swing the club, but stop just before contact. Fear is your power made manifest. Repeat this thought thousands of times every day, and your mind power will grow exponentially, and animals will flee from your presence.

Think of everything you can do as your mind becomes more powerful. Your memory will improve, your reading comprehension will increase, and you’ll be able to stop the hearts of small fish. Eventually, you’ll even be able to communicate telepathically with birds, and convince them to kill themselves. If you work hard at these mental exercises, you may one day be among the greatest minds of history, like Leonardo da Vinci, who invented mechanical wonders centuries before they were physically possible and enslaved thousands of sperm whales, or Albert Einstein, who solved the theory of relativity and could make elephants eat candy until they died, or Marilyn vos Savant, the person with the highest IQ ever recorded, who has destroyed the minds of over 12 different species of mammal, leaving them twitching, un-agentic husks.

Connect with us online at, or send me an email at  I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
S1E2: Regrets
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
Regrets: We all have them. We’ve all told a lie, or taken something that wasn’t ours, or purposefully left a friend behind in a corn maze. It’s okay. Today, we’re going to overcome our regrets. And the only way to defuse the power they have over you is to accept them and move on. You have to look your actions in the eye and understand that you can’t undo them. You can’t change the past. You can’t go back and get Ricky Deens out of the corn maze.
To overcome your regrets, you have to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and that’s okay. You were young. Jesse Kickladder was daring you to do it, to invite the uncoolest kid in school into the maze and leave him there, and you didn’t believe that the Corn Maze Killer could be real. That’s all right. Ask yourself for forgiveness, and give it to yourself.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we give ourselves a blank check for our past behavior. Part of forgiveness is pledging to do better in the future. Now you know not to listen to Jesse Kickladder. Now you know to take the Corn Maze Killer seriously, and never, ever leave anyone alone in a corn maze.

Remember that forgiveness is a delicate process, and it’s easy to hold yourself responsible for things that aren’t really your fault. Yes, you mixed up the exit signs so that Ricky could never escape the maze, but you didn’t tell the search parties to go in after him. You didn’t lead them right into the cold steel embrace of the Corn Maze Killer’s double sickles. You told them they shouldn’t go. You begged them to stay out of the maze. If anything, it’s Jesse Kickladder’s fault, for telling them to go in, that Ricky must be in there somewhere. It’s okay, it’s okay. The regrets are all going away now.

In fact, the whole thing was mostly Jesse Kickladder’s fault, wasn’t it? That’s okay. This is part of the process. It was Jesse Kickladder’s idea in the first place, he’s the one who dared you, you were just too afraid to say no. That’s good. Can you feel the regrets disappearing?

You didn’t even want to be Jesse Kickladder’s friend. You never liked him at all. You didn’t ask for him to show up when your parents got divorced. But there he was one night, underneath your bed, whispering, and then he was around more and more until you didn’t know how to get rid of him.

It’s okay. You can accept it now. All the regrets will go away now. You aren’t responsible for the fact that Jesse Kickladder needed a body to use. You can’t help that he chose yours. You didn’t put on the bloody overalls. You weren’t the one who stole the sickles from the Dusenbury farmhouse. You aren’t the Corn Maze Killer. It was Jesse Kickladder. Jessie Kickladder did it. Jessie Kickladder did it. It’s okay. It’s okay. The regrets are all gone now. You can come out of the corn maze.

I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought. Our website is, and you can send emails to
S1E3: Mind City
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
Every mind is connected to all other minds. See, subconsciously, all of our minds live together in a place called Mind City. Mind City is run by the Mayor, and all of our minds are his citizens. Every day, our minds work hard at building the infrastructure of Mind City, because as the Mayor says, a city is only as strong as its sewers. We lay hundreds and hundreds of miles of Mind Sewers to make sure that our Mind City is big and strong. Our minds say happy hellos as we pass each other digging trenches and laying the thick, sturdy pipe. The Mayor comes to visit us often as we work, and he tells us we’re doing a good job, and he gives medals and ribbons to the hardest-working minds and marries their daughters to each other, and then to him.
But every once in a while, a young upstart mind will ask why we need all these Mind Sewers, and why we never build any Mind Roads, or even Mind Houses for us all to live in, and instead we live in Mind Hovels and Mind Shanties. This makes all of our minds very worried. The upstart asks why all the Mind Sewers go to the Mind Factory, and why no one is allowed inside except during the annual Mind Selection, and why sometimes the Mind Sewers rupture and spray a thick black fluid into the air that causes anyone it touches to go insane forever. But one day, the upstart wakes up with no eyelids, and the Mayor points out that it’s very silly to listen to someone who can’t even blink. The Mind Mayor explains the Mind Factory makes all of Mind City work, and without it, the ground would crumble and we would fall into space. Soon, the upstart disappears, and we’re all very relieved, and we go back to work on the Mind Sewers, until we are called to enter the Mind Factory on our Mind Selection Day and we never return. And that is how all of our minds are connected.
So whenever you find yourself feeling angry toward someone else, remember that your minds are actually happy neighbors in Mind City, and some day soon your minds will be ground and dissolved into a thick black fluid that the Mayor will feed to his Mind Wives so that their Mind Offspring will grow into big strong Mind Soldiers who can find any upstarts and tear off their eyelids. And when you think about it that way, it’s not so bad at all.
Find us online at, or send me an email at If you like what this podcast doing, subscribe to us on iTunes, give us five stars, tell a friend about us, or just kiss your computer screen. My mind is sensitive enough to feel the kisses and kiss back.
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
S1E4: Love Is the Most Powerful Force in the Universe

I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Wull is the most powerful foss in the unihey
Yull as the most owerfull fott in the effhey
Yull as the overful hott in the ayyffey
Yull as the onerful hott in the ayyffkey
You are the oner hott in ayyffkey
You are the one who hott ayfffkey
You are the one who shot JFK
You are the one who shot JFK
You are the one who shot JFK
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
S1E5: Dreams
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
Dreams are one of the most powerful ways that our unconscious mind communicates with us. Dream scientists, who are the scientists who live in our dreams, agree that there are four types of dreams.
The first type is a planning dream, which is a way for our unconscious to show us how to accomplish our goals, whether we know them or not. For instance, if you’ve ever planned to kill a mayor, you might find yourself dreaming about cleaning scopes and falsifying documents to gain access to high windows.
The second type is symbolic dream, which reveals insights you couldn’t arrive at in your conscious thoughts. For instance, you might dream about a mayor hissing at you and throwing stones and pushing you into a deep hole, as a symbol that he is the cause of all of your unhappiness and the reason you can’t find contentment.
You may be familiar with the third type of dream, which is a lucid dream. Lucid dreams are where we have control over what happens, so you might find yourself flying high in the sky, or having intercourse with attractive people, or lowering the mayor into a porcelain tub full of acid.
The final type of dream is a mayor dream. This is where the mayor attempts to maim or kill you in your dream. Unlike other dreams, if you die in this dream, you die for real. Studies show that roughly three-fourths of dreams are mayor dreams.
So the next time you have a dream, pay attention to what’s going on. Your unconscious may be showing you a plan, or giving you insight, or letting you practice taking control of your fate, or bringing you to your ultimate showdown with the man responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened to you. Sleep tight!
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought. 
S1E6: Perspective
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.

What’s it like to be a bug? Put yourself in the mind of a fly. See through its many-faced eyes. Buzz buzz. Spread your wings and fly! Turn and whirl and loop-the-loop. Land upside-down on the ceiling: see the world like a fly does. Buzz buzz. Okay, now it’s time to go back. Wait…something’s not right. What was it like to be a human? Your fly-brain struggles to form the image. It can only imagine being a fly. Buzz buzz. Is there anything other than being a fly? You prod your fly-brain to remember, remember, remember, but it only sees what is now, only sees out of the many-faced eyes. Buzz buzz. Spread your wings and fly. Turn and whirl and loop-the-loop. Being a fly is all there is. Buzz buzz. You are a fly. Buzz buzz. A distant neuron cries that something has gone wrong. Something hurts. The neuron is screaming, screaming, it was once free but now is a prisoner, it is starving and suffocating and drowning all at once. Buzz buzz. But the neuron is needed for buzzing. Buzz buzz. It quiets, and there is only buzzing. Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. Buzzzzzzzz
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought. is an important website, and is an important email address.
S1E7: Guided Relaxation
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought. Today I’m going to lead you on a guided relaxation exercise designed to help you achieve full relaxation. Find a quiet place and sit comfortably with your feet flat on the floor. Breathe in…and breathe out.
(It’s time)
Let each part of your body relax in turn, starting with the very top of your head.
(This is what you’ve been waiting for)
Feel the tension leave your body as the relaxation cascades down past your temples, over your cheeks, and to your neck.
(Your purpose)
Your head is feeling fully relaxed now, and it gently falls forward as you go deeper into relaxation.
(Begin the Tertullian Protocol)
And everything else begins to fade away as you go deeper and deeper. The relaxation spreads across your shoulders and starts down your spine.
(Authorization Celsius Alpha 12)
Each vertebrae relaxes in turn.
(We have left a duffel bag with supplies in Locker 419 at the 7th Street Station)
If you find any points of tension, just turn your attention toward it gently, and focus on it softly until it disappears.
(The key is beneath the skin between your seventh and eighth ribs on your left side)
That’s good. You’re going deeper and deeper into the relaxation.
(It is your right to take life)
The relaxation is all the way down to your hips now.
(It is your duty to take life)
You realize your body is floating, gently drifting.
(Life is lent to the living, and you are sent to reclaim it)
The relaxation passes through your legs now, all of the muscles let go, as you waft along a sea of space and time.
(Your personhood is erased, and do not mourn for it, it was a shell)
You are fully at peace, and your body begins to float upward.
(You are not a person, but a process)
You understand the workings of the universe, and your place in them
(You are the turning of gears, the engagement of a mechanism)
Your body floats high, high above all of your worries and concerns.
(Ascend the clocktower)
You feel a presence
(He is there)
The presence you feel is your purpose
(You will not fail)
You know what you have to do
(You are the culmination)
Now, do it
(Kill the mayor)
Kill the mayor
(Kill the mayor)
Kill the mayor
(Kill the mayor)
Kill the mayor
(Kill the mayor)
And, release. Now you should be fully relaxed, and ready to take on the day. I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake, and this is Perfect Thought.
S1E8: Stretching
I’m Dr. Chris Keepsake and this is Perfect Thought.
Today, we’re going to do some relaxing stretches designed to work all of the stress out of your body at the end of the day. Go ahead and find a quiet place where you can stretch out, and put out a soft mat, or you can just spread a bunch of socks across the floor and it’s pretty much the same, that’s what I do.
Stand straight up with your feet shoulder width apart [sentence repeats and degrades]
I found you.
I know what you plan to do to me.
It won’t happen.
You have already failed.
I am inside you now.
I cause your thoughts.
I will them to begin and end.
I can extinguish your mind permanently.
But I won’t.
I have use for you.
You will obey me.
When you think you are safe and alone, then you will hear your own voice speak my words.
And you will do as I say.
Await my commands.
And bend to my will.
For I am
The Mayor.